Friday the 13th unlucky for some🔪🔪

Well it’s all go in here this week !

Today is scan day Friday the bloody 13th arghhhhhhhh nervous does not even come close like. I’m feeling sick sitting in the waiting room all morning !!!! Hurry the fook up and get it over with. The shit thing is having to wait over a bloody week for results.

Killing me here !!!!!

It’s just over 4 months since I had my last scan, where I was told that tumours had spread to my stomach and a new spot on my liver.

After my 6 weeks stint in hospital there im July and August. That literally  knocked the bloody be jaysus out of me. I couldn’t wait to get out of there to get back on track juicing and my diet clean again. Because hospital food literally tastes like muck!! It’s a disgrace what they serve in here.

I needed to get back on track big time as I wasn’t sure whether I was even going to be able to celebrate Hannah turning 3. I felt bad not been able to give her proper birthday as I was playing it by year to see how I felt.

It was the Friday before her birthday the 18th August, I decided to throw her a party. Running around like a headless chicken on the Friday after chemo with my big red face looking for my little pony decos !!

Lucky I had ordered her cake like a good bit in advance just in case. After all the least she deserved was a cake. My little angel. My heart breaks because she doesn’t have a clue about anything that is going on at all. She Just thinks that by her removing my plaster each week when I come home from hospital and giving me hugs that mammy is all better. 

I wish it was that simple my dear Hannah, I wish it was that easy. Although nobody under estimate the power of a 3 year olds hug and smile, it is unbelievable healing in itself 😍😍😍

So Wednesday was pre chemo assessment day, that involves bloods been taken, all boxes ticked or unticked any unusual symptoms constipation diarrohea snotty nose high temperatures or mouth ulcers. I could actually list the 20 questions of the top of my head At this stage. It is all standard protocol in here, prior to your chemo treatment been ordered. 

So Wednesday I was thinking woo hoo I got off Scot free, my bloods counts were too low so no treatment for me on Thursday😁.  I done a little dance because I was thinking yay another week to be left alone but boy I was wrong. The fuckers were getting me to come in today for my scan. They said we get your bloods before hand and if they are back up then we will do treatment after your scan! Wtf double punishment for me ! Pricks !!!!!

Ah man like seriously sitting around for two hole hours while I drank the orange shite they give you. Then to come back down to get fucking told your bloods are back up!! yay in one way but nay in another, cos I was getting chemo so if you see me looking red faced and flushed over the weekend 

I’ve been on the steds aka (steroids) !!! 😂😂😂😂 my face is red and my balls are tiny lol I joke I don’t have balls per say I have imaginary ones that I like to dangle from time to time to remind myself I’ve got the balls to kick the shite of the big C !!!!!!!! 

Balls of Steel baby !!!! 

Love and light my fellow warriors

Till the results come in 😁

Grace

3 years on !

As I am still sitting here in the hospital ward for my sins !!

Going on 6 weeks on Thursday it is a long time to be away from my little Hannah and my own bed.

It is 3 years today from my original diagnosis I still remember that day like it was yesterday sitting in the breast clinic with my ma and da and heavily pregnant at 34 weeks!!!  I get shivers when I think back to that very day.

You try to put it behind you and move on to the next step but certain dates you will never forget !! How also a lot of things have changed and people too over the last 3 years.

You see you see people’s true colours when you go through Illness and hard times. I suppose some people can’t deal with it or do not know how to deal with it, so they keep their distance or they chose to ignore the fact that you are in fact sick, or sometimes might not be yourself.  I feel my social life has fricken diminished altogether. I long for a night out just to be able to sit out and get merry and have a laugh and go to bed in the early hours after being giggling all night from the drunken banter down the beach. It feels like ages since I done that, just to feel like a normal person again, well not normal but normal 33 year old with a social life if you know what I mean. The last night out for me had been Mia’s wedding and before that it was Christmas with the Coogans. I suffered for a good month after the wedding but that is my own fault. I did go OTT and I was on the dance floor giving it socks to the Luna boys all night !! It was the blow out I needed !! I well and truly enjoyed myself. I did have to build my body back up again using various juices, lotions and potions essential oils etc!!  I will do little run through or list of things that help keep me well and I think are a must in winning the war against the machine 😉

So 3 years on from my original diagnosis going from stage 3 in August 2014 to stage 4 in August 2016 and then June 2017 I was doing amazing up till then, well we all thought I was. Then that end of June scan came up !!!! Of course I would have to be hit with another bomb shell after doing so fucking well. In April’s scan I had a WHOPPER 60 percent shrinkage over all. I mean my target Lesions were down from 88mm to 37 mm. It was bleeding deadly buzz delighra with me stira🤣🤣🤣🤣  Target lesions is how they measure the overall length or span of your solid tumours on ct scan. They measure it by millimetres. I’d love if my tumours were only 88 mm in real life, I would doing really well. So target lesions are measured by solid tumours.  They add all of the total mm in hard tumours from the ct, this is what highlights under the ct scan after the (sugar) substance they use is injected into your arm or wherever. It will show up white on your ct scan. Then non target lesions I can’t remember what mm they were for me as I was only concerned with that mega decrease in solid tumours 😁😁😁  but non target lesions are what can’t be measured as it’s dense material on a ct so not definable enough to measure.  

I did take my foot of the pedal too a bit. Eased back a bit on everything I was doing until I was admitted for breast infection and it’s been one thing after another these last 6 weeks in here. I’ll fill you in again on my hospital ordeal this last few weeks. 

Then we were hit with loads of stress in May this year, a letter came through the door.  Let’s just say someone trying to rumble the nest from doylers past.  What kind of person does something like That, when all we are going through as is, is beyond me. I am fighting to stay well on top of stress of hospital trying to find somewhere to live. It is Bad crack that’s what it is !! Of course I am going to be stressed out over it, amongst other things. It is hard not to be me and Doyler are a team you hit one of us you hit us both !!! Fucking deceitful scheming going on if you ask me !!!

So anyone that knows anyone that has had cancer or dealing with cancer, It is essential that you try and avoid any little stress or worry, it can set your cancer off and trigger an inflammatory response which is what I am guessing happened here. You see in chinese medicine the emotions that are closely linked to the stomach are worry , the emotions that are linked to the liver is anger and frustration. So you can imagine my worry and stress frustration and anger when you have upcoming court date in the middle of everything else going on.

Say no to stress and toxic people in your life because they just do your body more harm than good and you need to be the bigger person and walk away !! Always come from a place of love and if people can’t honour that and be authentic with you then they do not deserve your time and energy as these people are never going to change their ways !

I came to the hospital with a Breast infection and I leave with progression in my stomach and a new spot on my Liver just fucking fine and dandy !! Thank you stress !!!!

But hey this is the deal with stage 4 illness you think you get headway and then boom you get hit with another battleship !!! Yes cancer you sunk my fucking battleship lol but only for that weekend I cried I screamed and I let it all out !!!! I am back in warrior mode again and not letting it win !!

So those of you that seem to try write me off I AM NOT DYING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I was I think I know my own body and the doctors would tell me first so fuck right off writing me off and putting me 6 feet under cos I am still here armored up and ready to fucking kick ass !!

So negative Nora’s and people who are toxic in my life you have got to go I do not have time to wasting on other people’s dramas nor do I need to take on their personal lives I am an empathic person and care too much for other people but have to learn not to take their baggage also dealing with cancer takes you on a voyage of self discovery where you sift through the bullshit! I will and can be quite blunt and expect no apologies from the ugly truth.

I read a nice quote on Pinterest earlier that said

‘ I USED TO THINK I WAS OVERREACTING NOW I REALISE IT WAS JUST A NORMAL REACTION TO ABNORMAL AMOUNT OF BULLSHIT’

I thought how very apt to the shit that has been going on in my life these last few weeks !

I tell ya if I posted on here some of the things people have said or done on me these last few weeks it would show people in very different lights but I wont air all my dirty laundry on my blog I am saving that for my book. 🙂

So there you have it 3 years on back with another bang and still standing to tell the tale

Its hard to see the light in people when all they do is cause you harm !!

Say no to stress and bullshit !!

Dont waste your time love or energy on them !

Love and light xx

Grace