Tuesday’s thoughts !!!

Good evening my lovelies 😁

I know I haven’t posted in soooooo fricken long. Its not that I haven’t wrote any blogs, because I have they are there, saved to my drafts about 10 or more of them. Just they need a little tweak, spell and a few grammar checks. If I don’t the ole grammar police will be out in full force lol.

Then off course there is the fear part of me in my head that holds back on sharing them, because you think will it be read or liked or helpful in anyway shape or form.. Then I never complete them or do I feel like I’m sharing too much and been raw with my emotions as well.

But hey who gives a toss about perfection, that I am working on dropping the persona. Not everything needs to be perfect and when you are faced with cancer, Alot of personal development and growth has to be done in order to fight the biggest battle of your life.

Because how does one get cancer ? This is where you need to delve deep into your own soul and dig up some demons too!!!

Was it burying emotional baggage deep down over years, bad diet, dodgy genes, smoking, binge drinking, and out burning the midnight oil too long. Or was it hours spent over worked and not physically taking a break, keep pushing your body. Then there was 4 years of college on top of that at weekends studying my little ass off ,with my Acupuncture course, that I do not regret one little bit as I wouldn’t be half as armed as I am today with the knowledge I know and still learning every day too.

One big major factor influencing everything is STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!

Stress in the body stores at a cellular level and is imprinted then in your body’s muscle and tissue memory. So like any aches and pains like tight neck shoulders can be caused from say frustration or road rage earlier on that day. That you chose to brush away under the carpet. But the body has stored it. Over time you keep blocking out emotions and living wired or geared for stress then something is gonna give along the way.

So my problem these last few months has been stress and nothing but stress. Little grievances for me that might be trivial to one person but a mountain to another. While I keep soldier on in warrior mode, cracks were starting to appear. How long can you keep up the alter ego and still be real and deal with whatever challenges you are faced with. No one would believe me if I said how many times I had been knocked back this year. Getting so far then getting so bad. It goes from one extreme to the next. But my problem was I wasn’t been real to my self. Or actually showing my body and mind the love it needs to succeed..

See you can be positive all you want but you might not believe it in what you are actually thinking or saying. That’s all well and good but won’t get you anywhere in your life course or plan.

I’ve had these last few days in hospital, where I have been ‘re wiring my own brain and delving into little fears and tackling them head on. Working closely on my own life path as I know where I am heading and what I need to do now to get there. My mission is to help as many people as I can battling and destroying their disease, try get them in the right frame of mind. Tackle it all head on. Help in any way shape or form even if it’s just to listen or a friendly ear that has and is on the same page as them. 😁

Just little update for you all then so last Thursday I was admitted in as I was having severe problems with water retention!!!! I haven’t felt this swollen and bloated since I was pregnant on Hannah back in 2014 I mean struggling to put socks on and all Cos my stomach is so heavily swollen along with swollen feet and cankles !!

So my stomach tumour on the upper left side just under my rib cage had increased in size. Then I have tiny bit fluid on the left lung above it. Along with a narrowing of one of my kidneys tubing. So that along with flare up in my bone cancer spots causing a considerable amount of pain. A number of other factors thrown in to the mix along the way also has had me up and down these last few months.

Where I had been feeling will I ever get a break with it. One thing after another then you have 3 yr old to contend with on top on trying to keep your self well. Find somewhere decent to live for us is proving quite the task as no one wants to enter into contract with me for HAP

I mean I’m fecking sick enough as it is without having to chase land lords etc. Or having like 3000 in the bank just for a bleeding deposit. I don’t have the energy to be going to open viewings where it is literally dog eat dog. It’s time now I need my own space again so I can evolve and change into the better person I am becoming I’ll be in my element making my juices freely without having the need to share counter space. I can zone out in my own kitchen I love to cook bake etc and in a true Zen when doing so. I want to be able to share my recipes for juices and smoothies make little live videos for you all. So I’m putting it out there for the universe and releasing and having faith it will be ok and I am going with the flow.

Speaking of flow they have me on diuretic tablet which makes me pee all day and all night, trying to excrete the fluid retention. So I would say I’ve had million pee breaks in between typing this blog and getting it finished lol.

Along with me taking my dandelion drops which is a natural diuretic and really good for cleansing the blood liver and tea to help flush more out. It is coming down nicely thank God.

They just need to keep eye on my kidney function as one of my tubes has narrowed on the right side from all the treatments over time.

So that’s what I’m dealing with at present

Along with the chemo tablets I was on and high dose steroids for the last month that hasn’t helped my swelling situation

So yes if you have seen me out and about I do look like I ate all the pies πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Fat face on me going around

It’s awful feeling like I need to be rolled about.

I was out